The Musical Hall of Failures

Today, I went to orchestra practice and had to play a tiny, three bar solo.  It just about killed me.

Although this seems extremely irrelevant, I have decided that my fear of performing in front of others in my church is communicable to a feeling of inadequacy that every human being experiences from time to time, if not on a regular basis.

Every year, I play at a flute recital, where I perform a long piece.  This year, I will be performing with Mozart, Bach, and Handel, and yet the complex phrasings, the difficult rhythyms, and the odd key signatures riddled with accidentals don't phase me as much as playing a simple little tune in front of CHURCH.  The only reason I can come up with is the people in the audience.  At a recital, my parents are in the small audience, but even if I mess up the entire piece, they still have to love me.  In church, all those old ladies seem like they're just waiting for me to mess up so they can snicker and point.  So, this afternoon, I spent five bars prior saying to myself, "Okay, alright, okay, you'll be fine.  Just count.  And don't worry about everybody else.  But play loud, and keep your tone sweet, lips forward, jaw down... okay.... One and Two and THIS DOESN'T FEEL RIGHT!  Oh man!  Missed the entrance.  Maybe I can just fall in later... no, missed that note... NOW EVERYBODY'S LOOKING!"  Needless to say, my face turned red and my ombusure turned up.  It was bad for everyone.

I'm sure everyone wants to hole up and die after the spotlight falls on them.  There's just something that amplifies the insecurities about my own playing that a solo brings.  It's different for everyone, but it's important that both you and I work through this.  Between now and next Sunday, I will work on that little solo, no matter how stupid, because I WILL PLAY IT RIGHT.  The only way to make yourself better is to focus, to roll up your sleeves, and dig in.  Fifteen little notes may be insignificant to anyone else, but if I can't try and dominate, I might as well relegate myself to the musical Hall of Failures.  But hey, if I do fail, I might meet Justin Bieber.